Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Churn...

Been praying a lot lately.
What with Mom away.
What with all I wanted to have in life.

Will God understand my prayers?
Will God give them or will HE think I only come to HIM during tough times?

Yeah, can’t complain.

My stomach’s full.
It’s bloated with sins.

How do I dare beg when I ain’t a good human being?
When I ain’t a good person?

I feel empty.

I feel deserted.

Everything important to me was cast away.
Swept by the massive power of something I don’t even recognize.

I imagine being stuck in an elevator. All alone. By my lonely self.

It feels good, really.
It feels different to be alone.
Like I’ve never felt before, being in the crowd all the time.

Maybe I just want to be alone.
Maybe…

Hajj

Mom’s left for Hajj yesterday afternoon.
First I thought I’d miss her. Well, the fact that I will be stuck with Dad the whole time is quite depressing. But Mom seemed to be confident about leaving. She seemed happy. So, there’s not much I can do to hold her, I mean even Dad didn’t ask her not to go. I don’t have any rights to.

She’s supposed to arrive in Medina already. Can’t get a hold on her news yet though.
A bit worried. Waiting for news from her like this is really devastating. Is she okay, is she well, we don’t know.

Maybe just have to trust everything will be okay.

Let’s sure hope so.

Mom, stay safe there, aight.
Am praying here for you.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Tsunami

Asian Tsunami killed up to 14,425

COLOMBO (Reuters) - Soldiers searched for bodies in treetops, families wept over the dead lined up on beaches and rescuers scoured coral isles for missing tourists as Asia counted the cost on Monday of a tsunami that killed up to 14,425.

Idyllic palm-fringed beaches across southern Asia were transformed into scenes of death and devastation by the waves unleashed by the world's biggest earthquake in 40 years that struck off the Indonesian island of Sumatra early on Sunday.

"Death came from the sea," Satya Kumari, a construction worker living on the outskirts of the former French enclave of Pondicherry, India, told Reuters. "The waves just kept chasing us. It swept away all our huts. What did we do to deserve this?"

The wall of water up to 10 meters (30 feet) tall flattened houses, hurled fishing boats onto coastal roads, sent cars spinning through swirling waters into hotel lobbies and sucked sunbathers and fishermen off beaches and out to sea.

Worst affected were Sri Lanka where 4,890 were killed, the southeast coast of India where officials reported as many as 4,600 could be dead, northern Indonesia with up to 4,500 drowned and the southern tourist isles of Thailand where as many as 400 were feared dead.
"We are not well equipped to deal with a disaster of this magnitude because we have never known a disaster like this," Sri Lankan President Chandrika Kumaratunga, who declared a national disaster and appealed for donor aid, said from holiday in Britain.
It was the worst natural disaster to hit Sri Lanka in recorded history. Officials the death toll could rise substantially as troops recovered bodies dragged out to sea or smashed on golden beaches.

Indonesian soldiers searched for bodies in tree tops and in the wreckage of homes smashed by the tsunami, triggered by the 9.0 magnitude earthquake that struck off the coast of northern Sumatra island killing at least 4,448 people there.
"It smells so bad, fishy. The human bodies are mixed in with dead animals like dogs, fish, cats and goats," said marine colonel Buyung Lelana, head of an evacuation team in Lhokseumawe in Sumatra's Aceh province.

"There are still a lot of bodies under the wreckage of collapsed houses and in rivers and swamps that we have not yet evacuated. Most of them are children and their mothers," he said.
International aid agencies rushed staff, equipment and money to the region, warning that bodies rotting in the water were already beginning to threaten the water supply for survivors.
The Geneva-based International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies said it was seeking 7.5 million Swiss francs ($6.5 million) for emergency aid funding.


BATTERED BY ROCKS
"Many of the dead bodies were found in houses. Their heads were cracked, probably battered by rocks," said Mustofa, mayor of Bireuen regency on the north coast of Sumatra.
The head of the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center in Los Angeles said U.S. officials who detected the undersea quake tried frantically to get a warning out about the tsunami.
But there was no official alert system in the region, said Charles McCreery, director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's center in Honolulu.
"It took an hour and a half for the wave to get from the earthquake to Sri Lanka and an hour for it to get ... to the west coast of Thailand and Malaysia," he said.

"We tried to do what we could. We don't have contacts in our address book for anybody in that part of the world," he said.

The earthquake was the world's biggest since 1964 and the fourth-largest since 1900.
Hundreds of thousands left homeless in Sri Lanka and fearing another devastating wave sheltered in temples and schools. The southern coastal town of Galle, a major industrial hub famed for its historic fort, had been submerged by a 9-meter (30-ft) wave.
Wailing relatives scrambled over hundreds of bodies piled in a hospital in nearby Karapitiya, searching for loved ones.

Residents milled in streets outside the Karapitiya Teaching Hospital, shirts or handkerchiefs clutched over their noses against the overpowering stench of decaying bodies.
"We have got hundreds of dead that we have dealt with," said a hospital official. "I don't know what to do."

Corpses of hundreds of those drowned lay bloated and disfigured in the lobby and corridors. A stream of cars, ambulances and trucks arrived, bringing more dead.
The body of a pregnant woman lay in the lobby. Nearby, a woman collapsed as she identified a relative. Many of the dead were children. A nurse wept as she picked up the body of a baby.
Officials said 800,000 people had been forced from their homes.
On India's southeast coast, thousands of villagers huddled inside emergency shelters, too scared to sleep in case of another tsunami.

"I could see dead bodies all around and the devastation is of colossal proportions," Tamil Nadu chief minister Jayaram Jayalalithaa said after touring the worst hit areas of her state.
"I have been waiting for my husband and brother since yesterday," wept 38-year-old Narasamma as she stood on a beach near Mypadu, a fishing hamlet 600 km (375 miles) south of Hyderabad, capital of southern Andhra Pradesh state.
"I am not sure they will come back," she said. On the horizon, the wreckage of wooden fishing boats dotted the sea.


TOURIST ISLE DEVASTATED
The tourist islands and beaches of southern Thailand lay in the path of the wave that had killed up to 400. On the Patong tourist beach in Phuket, hotels and restaurants were wrecked and speed boats were rammed into buildings. "I was sitting on the first floor of a bar, not far from the beach, watching cricket," said Australian tourist, Stephen Dicks, 42. "And suddenly all these people came screaming from the beach.

"I looked around and saw a massive wall of water rushing down the street. It completely wiped out the ground floor of my bar ... It happened very fast, in a matter of minutes."
The tsunami was so powerful it smashed boats and flooded areas along the east African coast, 6,000 km (3,728 miles) away. In the Maldives, where thousands of foreign visitors were vacationing in the beach paradise, damage appeared to be limited.
With communications cut to remote areas, it was impossible to assess the full scale of the disaster, aid agencies said.

The Indian air force was trying to reach the remote Nicobar and Andaman archipelagos near the heart of the quake where officials said as many as 2,000 were feared dead.

==========

That was the clip of e-mail I got early today. What is it that we've done so wrong to deserve it? It's not the question, really. But what can we do to help, what can we do to contribute to these people?

Dear God, please have mercy on us all.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Christmas

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...

Have a happy holiday!!!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Stay Away!!!!!

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
NO MORE!

JUST GO.

Perish.


I'm hurt once too many.
Leave me be.


Shoo!!! I don't want you bugging me anymore.
SCRAM, you lousy feelings.


I want to be numb.
And stay numb.
So you won't hurt me anymore.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Nike Timing

5 years ago time was all we had. It was all that I could give.
Time is a luxury we cannot afford to have anymore these days.
And I see we agree to that.

And even though I don’t have it anymore, I will give time.
Because now, it’s all that we need. And because I can offer nothing else.

Hope it’s enough.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Letter to my dearest…

Pejaten, 5/2/2004

Di bawah pendudukan Bobo…


My dearest,

Life works in a very mysterious way. And I really can’t see what’s coming even right before it happens. But you mustn’t forget that women do have a very strong intuition. And call it what you like: female intuition at work, strong hunch, or even paranoia; I still will stand on my grounds. I really can’t rid of my sinking gut feeling, forcing me to stop and think. Keeping my eyes awake. I just can’t rest assured that even the willow-man will back me up.

Dreams are made of wind and pleasant thoughts so what is it that kept me awake? Nightmares?

I cannot foresee the future, and even the great centaurs can’t read what it’s said in the starts for destiny’s change. I have always believe in fate and destiny; and thousands of other magical things. But lately I seem to have missed my grasp. There’s an unknown power at work. Something vengeful is taking place and cut me off right before the end of the tunnel.

Why do I feel that I may never see you standing by, at the ready, with a strong firm hand to embrace me, of pull me if necessary, out of the darkness, to reunite with you? To walk alongside you, in the green meadow, with grass glimmering with dew, and all colorful butterflies flying just within our reach?

Why can’t I see that in my dreams anymore? Am I too hurt? Or am I too tired to dream that only nightmares full of beasts and bloody sweats come visit me at night? Or am I wishing too much if I wished a silver knight would challenge the beast to rescue me at the tunnel?



I didn’t dare send this letter to my dearest A back then. But now I hope this long lost letter will change things for the better.

Hope you see it now, A.


Friday, December 10, 2004

Rain

It’s pouring rain out.
I pulled the curtain and glanced out the window.
It’s dark out.

It’s eerie. Yet peaceful.
Looking out in the rain makes you travel.

Float in beds of thoughts and wild imaginations.


I imagine baby ducks swimming in the puddle right outside my house. Quacking happily, thanking the rain.

I imagine peasant boys running in the meadows, racing with their own dreams of the city life, days imitating their favorite Hollywood actors.
I imagine a car trapped in the parking lot, with two people enjoying every bit of raindrops on the windshield, flowing with the rhythm of their kiss.
I imagine young mothers feeding their newborn children, making funny faces and noises to make them eat with their babies gurgling along.
I imagine little children sitting and playing on their front porch, hands stretched out, heads up to the sky, trying to get as much rain touch their taste buds.

I imagine the TV blaring in the room next door, trying to beat up traffic sound down below, competing with the honking car horns, with the bright lights lining up on the streets.
I imagine the voice echoing down the hall as the last person leaves the office, leaving the room empty, as the last shriek of laughter of my colleagues die out.
I imagine a young girl sitting low in the corner of her narrow room, eyes to her feet, with tears trickling down her cheek. Her left hand open, and her right holding a rusty blade, red with her own blood. I imagine what terrible ordeal she must have gone through, how hollow she must have felt when she decides to end her life.


The traffic is still crazy. Still have no idea where to go.
Home doesn’t sound too appealing at this instant.
Yet another minute will drive me crazy here.


I, as half of the world, still don’t know what I’m doing here. What’s the purpose of my life.
But the rain outside only tells me that every day is a brand new day.
It didn’t rain yesterday, it may not rain tomorrow.
Today, it does. And it opens up new perspective.

I’m not gonna be that kid who runs in the village.
But I ain’t gonna be that girl who slashed her wrist to answer her problems.

I will be that baby duck.

Monday, December 06, 2004

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I'm tired

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Babysitting

Timezone trip.
A day out for a 5 year old and two young adults.

Children are treat for sore eyes. In this case, wounded soul.

I love children. And I think my expressiveness has drawn them to me too.

They say, in your latter years, your children are the glue that holds your marriage together.
And I’m safe to say that when things don’t go as you planned, these little people just managed to pull the corner of your mouths, and without you realizing it, you’re smiling already.

Let’s just hope we won’t be hanging our lives on their shoulders to keep us happy…


Thanks Kid. You did good.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I’m just a fucked up girl looking for a peace of mind. You know me, I’m impulsive. I will think you’re boring, but that’s me – Clementine

Focus Entertainment presents:
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
Jim Carrey (Joel), Kate Winslet (Clementine), Kirsten Dunst (Mary), Elijah Wood (Patrick), Mark Rufallo (Stan), and Tom Wilkinson (Howard)

A catchy title, isn’t it? It’s actually a clip of a very famous quotation from someone, I don’t remember. Not a typical Hollywood movie. I walked out of the theater deep in thoughts. Just my type of movie. Light enough to be entertaining, but deep enough to make you think.


The human brain works in a very mysterious way. Just like a computer hard drive, certain segments or memories of your life can be deleted, at your request.

Joel, someone who said he is the kind of person who never does things on impulse, while Clementine, on the other hand acts solely on hers. They met, and both were madly in love until on decided she was tired of their relationship.

Clementine had Joel erased from her mind. And out of misery from being a complete stranger to his own girlfriend, Joel decided to take up the same procedure, to erase her from his mind. Only later did he realize that he doesn’t want to face a day not remembering her. That he wants to keep their memories.

Did you ever feel like Joel? Or Clementine? Did you ever wish you could just have a fairy godmother flick her magic wand and erase someone off your memory for good because it just hurts too much? Or even worse yet, out of impulse?

I have. Lots of times.

It hurts too much to bear the fond memories I had with someone I know I’m never gonna be together with, ever again. And it even hurts much more to know that I can do nothing about it.

If I could just have an expert like Howard to remove his memories from my brain, perhaps I’d be free. Born a new person.

But the thing is, even the seemingly flawless and foolproof procedure could go wrong. Somehow, someone can just hold on to that memory. Somehow, even when the memories are lost, the universe makes way for two people to meet, yet again, as complete strangers to finally fall for each other once again. Like Joel and Clementine did.

I’d wished for a lot of things. And one of them is to be able to forget him. So people like Patrick could get through. Well, Patrick did. He swooped in. He fell in love with Clementine the very first time he laid eyes on her, and like young boys, he did just about anything to win her. But Clementine was not half as happy as she was with Joel. Because Patrick was just a wanna-be. A mere copycat.

Joel and Clementine, both fought the process. They both met as strangers and fell in love again. Only a short while until Mary decided to tell each and everyone who has gone through the same procedure, that their memories have been erased. She brought their memories back after knowing that she too once experienced the same experiment. And Joel and Clementine found themselves two strangers madly in love who has a huge history.

Will they ever be happy? It’s up to them to decide.

I watched the movie with my friend. And she said “well, maybe the bottom line is, whatever we do, we cannot erase our memories…”
I agree. The only thing we can do is deal with it, and move on. No matter how hard it is…


As for me?

Recent memories will certainly add more files and perhaps one day, when my brain capacity no longer could store these memories, one by one, less important ones will be replaced. But he will never disappear. And for the most part, he will be stocked in my most hidden folders so that it could not be deleted.


Now I hope this will bring me my own “eternal sunshine”


"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" - Jiffest
Saturday, 4 Dec 2004 14.30 Graha Bhakti Budaya