Wednesday, May 25, 2005

25th Hour

What if you were sentenced to 7 years in prison?
Or worse yet, lifetime?
Executed?

What if you didn’t get caught?
What if you betray your partners so you could get away.
What if you had never tried at all.
A thousand what ifs will not be answered in 24 hour time.

Monty (Edward Norton) was sent to prison for intent possession of 1kg of heroin. It was his last night before he has to go.
What will he do?


This movie is far from entertaining.
It’s not even remotely funny.
And it’s definitely not romantic.

Yet in the gloomy shade, I really felt I could relate to it.

Yes…

A single decision we make leads to hundreds of options.
And thousands, even millions of consequences.
A millisecond doubt could cost someone’s life.
But a second too early can create a chaos.


Life renders us with vast of options.
Options we know will only lead to all sorts of different consequences.
And unless we’re fortune tellers, we cannot predict the outcome of our decisions, we cannot predict the future.
And therefore, we take a dare.
We bet our own lives.
Or worse yet, others’.

What do you do when you make an error of judgment?
Some acts as noble knights and take the fall.
Some choose to deal with it by the company of “Jack Daniels”.
Some flee.

Some even choose to play GOD, and end their own misery.
Their own horrible consequences.
Simply because they think they cannot handle the truth.


My life is not a fairy tale.
It’s not some life that would make it to “Oprah”.
It’s full of waiting arounds, uncertainty, disappointments, loneliness, and failures.
It’s full of self-fulfilling prophecies.

Now, at a millisecond (in desperate times), I might have thought to play GOD.
But after seeing 25th Hour, somehow I came around.
Somehow, I realized that life is not so bad.
When you take care of it, it may just turn into your ally.

Who knows, you might turn into someone you never thought you could be.
Someone you only could dream of becoming.
Someone so happy…

Then, you might say to yourself:

"This life came so close to never happening…"

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Happy Birthday, Me.

You CAN, Ret.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Will my life change?

Today will be my last day before I turn 26.
Today will be the most defining day of my life.
Today will be 6 yrs of my first conversation with my love.

Today holds the key to my future.

Will my life change?


I hope so…

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Envy Vanity

What is it with people and their relentless comments on others?


The truth is, each and every one individual has this urge to throw comments, to pass judgments on others.
But why is it that some of us hold ourselves so hard not to do it while others don’t?

Why is it that every time we have the chance to mock others, our tongue is loose?
And why is it that every time we’re supposed to look within, our eyes just went completely blind?

I happen to have both in my shoes.

And I'm tempted.
Honestly.

I'm no perfect person.
I know I'm even far from sufficient.
And I make the most horrible mistake by thinking that I am better. Than the rest of the less fortunate. For thinking that they got “there” by pure luck or foul play.
(And by “less fortunate” I don’t mean those who are faced with poverty or those physically challenged, by “less fortunate” I mean those who are not smart – by my standard)

Now it’s eating me alive.
Remember the goblins?
I am now one myself.

After a while, now I have to take the bitter pill not to let these scheming little temptations run my mind.
Now I have to submit to this unyielding doubt.

“Do I have the right to say all these things?”


I wish I can escape this mental prison.

Now I understand why “envy” –like “vanity”- is a deadly sin…

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Why Is Life So Complicated These Days?

My life revolves around people with complicated life stories.


My friend Arti, is in trouble. Through no fault of her own.
She got into trouble merely for being the nice person, for wanting to help her best friend. Little did she know that it only pushed her into the gaping hole of trouble.
Her best friend was proposed by her current boyfriend. She said “yes”. But in truth, she was still deeply in love with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she broke up because he did not want to go into that direction. Now, as they are inching towards their wedding day, the ex-boyfriend suddenly proposed to her. And being the foolish girl in love, she is suddenly placed in a very difficult situation.
She is stressed out. She disappeared. And being the closest friend of hers, Arti was so concerned to know that she never returns her phonecalls, never replies to her sms-es. This friend of hers practically “vanished”. And being the closest friend, she was the one to ask of the whereabouts of this girl. And she was soon dragged into a huge family problem.
The fiancé looked her up. To no avail. And he interrogated Arti. He even used foul words and manipulated scenarios.
It turned out, this girl, was with her ex all along. And now, she is not allowed to leave her room. All calls are barred. She will not receive any messages from her friends. For God knows how long. Arti’s guess is, until their wedding day.

My friend Nia, is in trouble. She’s stuck between a mother and her son.
The mother of her best friend’s just knew about her son being what he is now. And she still cannot take things pretty well.
The problem is, Nia is very close with the mother. And the mother seems very comfortable in consulting to her, seeking comfort, and all the rest. She even literally asked her to be her daughter-in-law.
Nia, being the nice girl she always is, is now stuck. She cannot not console the mother. All the while she’s having a real hard time in dealing with her friend, who despite all, come to her about the boyfriend he’s now seeing, sulking that he’s changed, and all that. She wants to bring him to his senses, but she cannot just sit still and not find another.
She simply cannot get rid of him.

My friend Tira, is in trouble. She almost cut herself out from her only family.
She made a pretty rushed decision. She’s basically in love. The boyfriend lives far away, overseas. He’s been telling her that they will soon get married. And she will someday have to live in the states.
The mother, of course, having only one child, refuses to let her go. And refuses to come along with the child and live with them in the foreign land.
Now, it seems the surface is calm, back to normal. But the mother suspects differently. She now thinks that the guy doesn’t take things seriously. That the guy is about to hurt the only child’s feelings.
And things are difficult now because the two people can’t tell the truth to each other anymore.

My friend Oji, is in trouble. She’s in love. And she knows it will not last.
Her relationship with her boyfriend is totally controversial. They are seeing each other regardless of the fact that they have totally different principles. Not only are they different in religion, they are also different in race, which, to some is a big deal.
The problem with her is, she thinks she has changed. She turned down so many interesting offers, just because she knows the boyfriend will not approve of it. She basically succumb to everything that she was not, because she’s in love with him. And she’s afraid she might end up hurting.

My friend Dini, is in trouble. Her best friend is a jerk.
She hooked him up with her other best friend. And only now does it occur to her that it might not be the best idea after all. Since she comes around that her best friend is actually the filthiest walking creature in the entire planet.
But what’s done cannot be undone. What’s said cannot be unsaid.
She cannot take things back, especially not since the jerk decided to make a move on her bestfriend.

My friend Dhya, is in trouble. He is bored.
Moving out of his old company which seemed to be a good idea at the time doesn’t seem like the best decision he’d made. His usually fast pace now takes its toll. He feels bored. The problem is, he just moved. And moving again would probably make him look bad.


Why is life so complicated these days?
These good people deserve to be happy. They deserve peace of mind.
But why this?

And I think that MY life is complicated?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Missing you...

It’s almost one month since I last met you.
It’s almost one month since I last poured my heart to you.
It’s almost one month since I last felt the warmth.

How I miss you.

But I cannot just ramble on and not having any good idea to talk about.
That’ll be a disgrace.
That’ll be an insult.

How I am far away.
Stranded.

Stray…

I just want to write.
To escape…