Ruang 1

Kita telah bertukar kunci dan sama-sama menghilangkannya.
Aku tersekap di kamarmu, kamu tersekap di kamarku.
Kapan ketemu?
Ir, kepadamu aku pernah bicara dan kepadaku kamu pernah berkata pula.
Kenapa kita baru saling dengar justru setelah masing-masing di luar pagar?
Akankah kita tetap berkeras hati cuma karena sebelumnya tak saling mengerti, atau mungkinkah berbincang lagi menepiskan keakuan menuruti gerak nurani, dengan mendeburkan penat gapura yang sesungguhnya tak pernah ada?

(Unknown Artist)


I found the poem, stashed in my pile of papers at home. I copied it from some love poems collection, a long time ago. It aches when I read it, over and over again, just minutes ago.

Why is love so difficult?

It hurts how you can fall in love with someone, so deeply, and not loved in return.
It hurts how you lost yourself to someone, the way you couldn’t possibly imagine, and never realized you have to bounce back, with pain, when things are not going the way you planned.
It hurts how you still shed tears every time you hear his name, or see his back once again, wishing you could hold him close and hope that everything stays the same.

But it even hurts more how you know nothing will bring things back.
Nothing.
Nothing nothing nothing.
Not even when you’ve fought yourself too hard, not even when you deny yourself some other love, not even when you’ve found someone who loves you a hundred times greater.

Am I just too filthy to deserve it?

The recent events went too far beyond my comprehension. If only I could turn back time now. I don’t know if I won’t lead the same mistake again. I don’t know if I won’t surrender to the same thing again. For it hurts to know all the consequences had I chose to live my life differently.

“It’s better to be loved than to love”
The common Javanese saying. I never believed I would ever get myself stuck in this situation. I thought my love was enough to conquer all. Maybe I was wrong.

I guess I just have to wipe my whiny tears and stand up, wake up and realize that I’m hurting far too many people by being myself.

I guess I have to ease my own pain…