My Cubicle

1 PC, 1 monitor, 1 keyboard, 1 telephone set, 1 file tray, 1 desk organizer, 1 calendar, 1 business card holder, 3 drawers, 1 water jug and 1 giant mug, scribble on note pads, and lots of other small objects (and cluttered books, papers, and pencils)…

The same desk I’ve been sitting on for the past 1 yr and 9 months is now suffocating me.
Everything now seem to close up my space and leaves me all clogged up.

Here I am, writing my blog, hoping it would change anything for the better, but well, hopes (though not wishful thinking, as are dreams) are not reality. And not so much of an optimistic person, I tend to think that I may not be the luckiest person in the whole world.

Fought too hard for my own good, but sometimes think of quitting (a lot) and have to wake up in the real world where quitting sucks, no matter how relieving it may feel at first.

Choices I made so many and none of them are constellation of my most sober thoughts. I may have rushed into too many things, and regrets will not bring me into a higher level of self. But why does it itch?

Kept on trying to convince myself that more choices are out there, laying strewn every where, just waiting for someone to pick it up and take credit for themselves. It’s not me. It never was. Always have ended up finding myself in one of the darkest corner of world, trying to figure out what the hell am I doing in here.

Been denying myself that I don’t need all the comfort and luxury that most people crave for. Been telling myself awful lot of lies that I only need one or two very important things in my life. Yes, and they are somehow a huge part of the big scheme that just keeps on robbing my self pride, leaving me indignant and hurt.

This cubicle, mainly represents my mental prison, no longer fulfills what I really need. I need self actualization (and they say it’s the highest level of need of man). I need to know when I can see my work being enjoyed. I need to raise the bars, and knowing I can just jump over it.

This cubicle also has made me realize that there are so many things out there, no matter how small it is, that cries for our attention. Waiting and whining will not make anyone any better. We’ve got to take a huge leap and shout to the world “I can take on anything!”

Career and love life, some say they will not go hand in hand. Even I believed that. I once asked my best friend K, “If you could choose, what would you choose to have; a killer job everyone would envy and be successful at it, or a sweet and great husband?” Always thought they will not complement each other. K said, whatever HE gives to her now, she will take full responsibility and she will be grateful for it. Hmm, that’s nice. How about me? Still don’t know. Somehow I hope that those two go together.

This cubicle makes me realize that life is full of choices. For the time being, I chose to sit in and enjoy the glare from my computer, hoping every single minute I spend here will gain me more experience, while crossing my fingers that someday soon, one of those people would call me up, and beg me to work for them.

And when that doesn’t happen soon, well, a very wise person said this to me “Make your own path, lead your own way.” It means, be whatever you want to be. Carve the stone. And he’s right. I will.
And then perhaps, I won't mind sitting in my cubicle so much.

Thanks for the words, R…